getting there: finally seeing red flags

I have to resign to the fact that you are either so detached that you are socially stunted, or you are on the further end of self-centered than I am willing to trust. Why, you ask? Because, think about it, I don’t think once in all our conversations and in our daily hellos have you ever asked me a question about myself. Now, that could easily be because you simply are not interested in knowing me as a person, which is more than reasonable and not anything to be concerned or judgemental about. But you have never asked me how I was doing or how my day was, anything even on the precipice of curious. How would I trust myself for ever even entertaining the thought of entangling myself with you in any way?

I’m not sure if you’re lying to yourself or to me, but if you pretend to have no awareness or connection to the triggers that cause you to go into a complete catatonic tailspin or unhinged emotional activation, then you’re just hiding from yourself. Or you’re relying on “medicine” or a “professional” to give you answers that nobody has but yourself. How can you be so distracted from yourself and so isolated at the same time? You are in a self-imposed prison of your doing, and you don’t even realize it, or if you do, you have no wherewithal to change it.

I’m looking for someone that knows themselves, trusts themselves innately, but isn’t deluded or cocky. Someone who, at a minimum, is genuinely curious about knowing me. Someone who knows that safety and stability are not within your control, no matter how much money or health you have in any given moment because it can always be taken from you. Stop trying to pretend like you ever had, have, or will have control of your conditions. I’m looking for someone who is ultimately ok with that, and finds happiness in spite of that. Because safety and stability can never be taken from you if you resign to the fact that what you define as safety is a construct anyway, and true stability is being comfortable in the knowing that you will die but that you don’t have to suffer. You will never experience life fully without knowing that. I am looking for someone without pride or vanity except in the quiet confidence of being able to put on their miner’s lamp and dig deep, be vulnerable, because true strength lies in knowing that no matter how much of yourself you put on the line, you can always come back home to yourself.